{"id":1816,"date":"2026-08-04T17:43:37","date_gmt":"2026-08-04T17:43:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/commercialrelocationpros.com\/?p=1816"},"modified":"2026-08-04T17:43:37","modified_gmt":"2026-08-04T17:43:37","slug":"stop-calling-siblings-gifts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/commercialrelocationpros.com\/?p=1816","title":{"rendered":"Stop Calling Siblings \u2018Gifts\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Within months of<\/span> having her first child, Samantha Savran began hearing from family and friends that she should have a second. Doing so would be the greatest \u201cgift\u201d that she and her husband could give their son, people told them.<\/p>\n

Read more A Trojan Horse Is Supposed to Have Humans Inside It<\/a><\/p>\n

At first, Savran agreed. Growing up with a brother, she had liked having a live-in playmate and confidant. But the more she thought about her situation, she grew hesitant. Her birth experience had been traumatic. And she wasn\u2019t sure if having a sibling would be the best for her son, who was thriving. What she and her husband could offer him\u2014Montessori preschool, a family trip to Japan\u2014might not be possible with a second child. But she also knew that sibling relationships could turn painful. In adulthood, her connection with her brother had splintered. They had disagreements that had spiraled into a full-blown falling out, and their relationship was now \u201cdifficult,\u201d she told me. \u201cIt\u2019s hard to say that I still see it as a \u2018gift.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

The notion that parents should give children a sibling is common. \u201cLife Is Better With Siblings,\u201d declared the headline on a recent New York Times<\/em> op-ed by the Catholic University professor Catherine Pakaluk, who argued that, unlike small families, \u201clarge families generate moral education the way an engine generates heat.\u201d In a column last year for The Guardian<\/em>, a writer explained that she had \u201cgifted my daughters each other,\u201d and that doing so was a way of \u201cquietly healing my childhood loneliness.\u201d On social media, heartstring-tugging posts of small children holding hands and nuzzling underscore the point: \u201cA baby brother is the universe\u2019s way of giving a little girl her first real love story,\u201d one mom captioned a video.<\/p>\n

When I asked online about this kind of messaging, I heard from dozens of parents who had been on the receiving end. A New York City woman who works in health care, fresh off maternity leave, said a patient had told her that she would be \u201cselfish\u201d not to have a second child. Scarlet de Lemeny, a recently married retail consultant based in Boston, told me that before she\u2019d even set a wedding date, people had advised her to have multiple children\u2014because \u201cthey need a friend.\u201d This month, the British celebrity Kate Lawler, who has one 5-year-old, wrote in Metro<\/em>: \u201cI\u2019m now regularly hounded with abuse when I talk about the positives of having just one, as if raising my daughter without a sibling is the cruellest thing I could possibly do.\u201d This prodding isn\u2019t limited to one-child parents. A mother of two boys told me that she keeps hearing she should \u201cdefinitely try for a third, so you can have a girl.\u201d<\/p>\n

The people who implore women to have more kids usually mean well. It\u2019s lovely, and reasonable, to hope that a sibling might become a child\u2019s lifelong friend and source of support. But the \u201cgift\u201d messaging isn\u2019t always benign. For parents, it can add pressure, guilt, and anxiety to an already huge life decision\u2014particularly for women, who in addition to giving birth tend to bear the brunt of fertility expectations, care responsibilities, and mental and physical health burdens, and to take a hit to their long-term employment and earnings prospects.<\/p>\n

The \u201cgift\u201d phrasing also rests on a shaky premise. People, after all, aren\u2019t inanimate objects. They are unpredictable beings with a will and their own motivations. And not even the best of intentions can guarantee that a child will experience a new sibling as a gift.<\/p>\n

The sibling bond<\/span> can be unlike any other. I\u2019ve heard people describe their siblings as their \u201cfirst phone call,\u201d their \u201clife raft,\u201d their \u201cvillage.\u201d Some siblings can finish one another\u2019s sentences or seem to sense when something is wrong even when they\u2019re far away, in another state. One of my friends is so close with her brother that he made her the \u201cbest ma\u2019am\u201d at his wedding. Another person told me that, when her parents kicked her out, her sister took her in\u2014the same weekend the sister was getting married.<\/p>\n

Broadly, research shows that sibling relationships tend to be more positive than negative. One large, recent U.S. survey found that more than half of respondents ages 25 to 35 had \u201ctight-knit\u201d relationships with their full siblings. Although events such as starting their own family can cause siblings to drift apart, they typically experience a \u201crebound,\u201d the sibling researcher Megan Gilligan, an associate professor at the University of Missouri, told me. In one study, a sample of older adults found that most reported warm, low-conflict sibling ties.<\/p>\n

But these bonds can be uniquely complicated. \u201cSibling relationships are different than our other family ties, and they tend to be more complex,\u201d Gilligan said. \u201cWe use the term ambivalence<\/em>: They can be both very positive and very negative, simultaneously.\u201d The same factors that can make these relationships go so right\u2014growing up together; knowing one another\u2019s triggers, foibles, and flaws\u2014can also make them go very wrong. When aging parents need care or die, for instance, their grown children might find benefits to sharing the costs, decision making, and emotional burden, Gilligan said. But in some families, the same situations can cause conflict and resentment.<\/p>\n

Research also indicates that it isn\u2019t simply having a sibling that benefits children\u2014it\u2019s having a good <\/em>relationship with one. That may sound like plain common sense, but the distinction is crucial. A paper last year identified sibling aggression and abuse as \u201cinvisible and widespread public health problems.\u201d One watershed 2013 found that children who endured sibling aggression, including name-calling and \u201cmean\u201d comments, had worse mental health than those who didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Still darker and less discussed is sibling sexual abuse. There\u2019s no way to know how common it is, Brad Watts, a Tennessee-based therapist who specializes in sibling abuse, told me. But in more than a decade of working with affected families, he has seen a theme: No family is guaranteed immunity. \u201cIt can happen in my home,\u201d he told me. \u201cIt can happen in anybody\u2019s home.\u201d<\/p>\n

Watts has three boys. He has loved watching them become close friends. But he would never tell someone to \u201cgive\u201d their child a sibling. \u201cI can talk about all kinds of siblings that were not \u2018gifts,\u2019\u201d Watts said. \u201cThey were, more or less, terrors.\u201d Even close sibling relationships aren\u2019t always beneficial. Studies over the years have found that adolescents are more likely to engage in risky behavior, such as smoking or unsafe sex, and even to break the law if another sibling did\u2014especially if their relationship is tight.<\/p>\n

Read more What if Freud Was Right and Pharma Was Wrong?<\/a><\/p>\n

Calling a younger sibling a \u201cgift\u201d can create unintended consequences, too, Whitney Goodman, a Miami-based therapist, told me. Although this is surely no one\u2019s intent, the phrasing can imply that a child has been brought into the world in the service of another. The parental preference it suggests may cause children to feel they\u2019re treated or desired differently\u2014one of the most common reasons sibling relationships fracture.<\/p>\n

Learning to navigate<\/span> life with someone you didn\u2019t choose to grow up with can be rewarding. But not always. The same large U.S. survey that found \u201ctight-knit\u201d relationships among many full siblings also found that up to one in five sibling relationships were characterized by \u201cdetachment\u201d\u2014meaning that siblings were less likely to have frequent contact, to feel emotionally close, or to offer one another social or financial support. In Germany, researchers looking at a nationally representative sample of nearly 6,000 adults found that 28 percent of respondents were estranged from a sibling at least once over the study\u2019s six-year period.<\/p>\n

De Lemeny, the Boston retail consultant, has amassed more than half a million followers across TikTok and Instagram by sharing about her life and childhood, and her experience going no-contact with her parents. Many followers ask about her brother, assuming that they must have \u201ctrauma-bonded.\u201d When she explains that, actually, she and her brother don\u2019t speak, some are shocked. Others thank her: They weren\u2019t close to their siblings and thought they were alone in this. \u201cIt\u2019s a dynamic that doesn\u2019t really get spoken about,\u201d de Lemeny said. \u201cIt\u2019s something that carries a lot of shame.\u201d<\/p>\n

This silence about conflict and estrangement can have ripple effects in the broader culture. It might lead parents-to-be to assume that, barring some grave unlikelihood, siblings will be friends for life. It also contributes to the narrative that if a person doesn\u2019t \u201cgive\u201d their child a sibling, they will be, unequivocally, depriving them of something important.<\/p>\n

Anna de Sapio, a social worker in the United Kingdom, gave birth during the first COVID lockdown and struggled with isolation, exhaustion, and postpartum depression and anxiety. Yet when her daughter was only four months old, de Sapio began to get the question: When are you planning to give her a sibling?<\/em> It made de Sapio feel \u201cdepleted,\u201d she told me\u2014as if, no matter how much of herself she gave, it wasn\u2019t enough.<\/p>\n

Nearly every mother I spoke with expressed guilt about her decision making: one-child moms for not \u201cgiving\u201d their child a built-in best friend; multiple-child moms who after having additional kids felt awful that they had less time and attention for their first. And these days, the pressure is coming not just from friends and family but also from politicians and other public figures: Donald Trump floating \u201cbaby bonuses\u201d; Elon Musk arguing that the \u201cnumber one threat to the West\u201d is low birth rates; tradwives, tech bros, and other proponents of the pronatalist movement who repeat over and over that having more children isn\u2019t a lifestyle choice\u2014it\u2019s a moral good.<\/p>\n

Like the \u201cmoral good\u201d rhetoric, which assumes that having more babies is all upside, the \u201cgift\u201d rhetoric ignores the fact that having one child may simply be the best decision for many families\u2014including for solo children. Research spanning decades suggests that, contrary to stereotype, only children tend to be just as well-adjusted as kids in multi-child households, enjoy the same or better mental health, and have closer relationships with their parents. They are no more narcissistic, competitive, or lonely than those with siblings. And although they may possess, as very young children, slightly-less-developed interpersonal skills, these differences generally disappear over time.<\/p>\n

Plus, let\u2019s be blunt: Regardless of how much parents love every child that they have, additional children can add stress and expense. This can affect the mental well-being of parents and, by extension, their children. Kids generally fare better when their caregivers are in good mental health, can invest more time in caregiving, and are sensitive and responsive to their child\u2019s needs. These nuances may help explain why, on average, children with more than three or four siblings have worse mental and physical health than kids with fewer or none.<\/p>\n

The \u201cgift\u201d phrasing misses something else, too: When people frame siblings as gifts and being an only child as a deficit, they discount what many only-child families told me they\u2019ve experienced: the joy that can come from having a small, tight-knit family where jealousies and conflicts are mostly absent, and parents\u2019 time and attention are undivided.<\/p>\n

After several years of uncertainty, Savran and her husband made a decision: They would stick to having one child. \u201cGiving the best life we can to the one kid we have,\u201d she said, \u201cand making sure he\u2019s surrounded by friends and \u2018framily\u2019 and people who love him, ended up being our priority.\u201d No one knows what a sibling might bring. But this kind of careful decision making\u2014which takes the capacities, joys, and temperaments of already existing family members into account\u2014can be its own gift.<\/p>\n

Read more The Danger of Trump\u2019s Anti-Communist Rhetoric<\/a><\/p>\n<\/section>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The term assumes that adding a child to a family is for the best. 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