{"id":1004,"date":"2026-07-01T21:16:00","date_gmt":"2026-07-01T21:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/commercialrelocationpros.com\/?p=1004"},"modified":"2026-07-01T21:16:00","modified_gmt":"2026-07-01T21:16:00","slug":"a-surreal-day-at-the-great-american-state-fair","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/commercialrelocationpros.com\/?p=1004","title":{"rendered":"A Surreal Day at the Great American State Fair"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

It\u2019s MAHA Monday at the Great American State Fair, and I am drinking a Phorm Energy Screamin\u2019 Freedom (16 ounces for $6). The fair also offered normal drinks for $5 (Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade), but I figured that for an extra dollar, it would be worth it to know the taste of freedom. Screamin\u2019 Freedom, specifically. This drink offers \u201cnatural energy,\u201d \u201cmental focus,\u201d \u201chydration,\u201d \u201czero sugar,\u201d \u201c200 MG caffeine,\u201d and a picture of an eagle. The concessions worker warns me that the beverage emphasizes \u201cscreamin\u2019\u201d because it has the caffeine content of two Red Bulls. The flavor (\u201ccherry, lemon, & blueberry flavored with other natural flavors\u201d) evokes a melted rocket pop but gets somehow worse with every sip. It is in a can, so I will never know the color of this drink, but over the course of MAHA Monday, I will drink the entire thing.<\/p>\n

Read more The Democrats Are Blowing Things Up<\/a><\/p>\n

Everything that follows may be a hallucination!<\/p>\n

Consider the state booths. Some are Official State Presentations; others are very much not. Florida includes a cannon, a manatee, and a drawing of Juan Ponce de Le\u00f3n at the Fountain of Youth, labeled \u201cDrawing of Juan Ponce de Le\u00f3n at the Fountain of Youth.\u201d Georgia is proud to have originated the Waffle House! (Happy MAHA Day?)<\/p>\n

Washington State has no official presence, but like many other states without an official presence, that has not stopped some graphic designer from conjuring up a nightmare on its behalf, this one in the form of an elk posing proudly with an Amazon package.<\/p>\n

In West Virginia, you can whack a simulated car into a guardrail while belting \u201cTake Me Home, Country Roads.\u201d Yes, of course!<\/p>\n

Nebraska\u2019s booth features a Union Pacific Railroad corner with a train simulator that, as far as I can tell, does not give you any actual control over the train. I push a lot of buttons and levers, and nothing about the train\u2019s speed or trajectory changes at all! This feels spiritually correct.<\/p>\n

James Madison begins his Legacy Stage talk at 1 p.m. by announcing that the year is 1811 (this feels like he is just trying to get out of having to answer questions about the War of 1812, but it does not work; the audience asks them anyway) and then spends most of his time talking about how Thomas Jefferson did a good job writing the Declaration of Independence. Madison keeps thinking his time is up and being told that he, in fact, has more time.<\/p>\n

The woman next to me asks Madison why he, the Father of the Constitution, has spent all of his time talking about Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence. Madison says that this is the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence, and that at the time of the Declaration he (Madison) was more involved in local politics. This raises more questions than it answers, foremost among them: If this is true, why not just invite Jefferson? Was he not available? Did he drop out, like Milli Vanilli? Did he drop out because he heard Milli Vanilli was dropping out? We will never know, just as I will never know the color of my beverage.<\/p>\n

After Madison, lunch!<\/p>\n

The most MAHA lunch I can find at this fair is a whole turkey leg, so that is what I eat. Between this and the Phorm, I am now surging with raw strength and potential and decide it is time to test my power at the Never Surrender USA tent. I manage to do an arm hang for a whole \u2026 36 seconds! The record is, I think, a minute and 20 seconds? (My phorm needs work.)<\/p>\n

I am still drinking the Phorm, but it is unpleasantly warm now. With each sip, my regret increases. Lana Del Rey\u2019s \u201cSummertime Sadness\u201d plays, and it feels personal. I take what is objectively a very sad video of myself drinking more Phorm while this song plays. This will be great for social media!<\/p>\n

I may be remembering the musical vibe of state fairs incorrectly, but I do not recall there being so much Elton John and ABBA at these events. To get the full picture of the Great American State Fair experience, imagine that every word James Madison says is fighting to be heard over \u201cTiny Dancer.\u201d The closest we come to something patriotic or thematically appropriate is Miley Cyrus\u2019s \u201cParty in the USA\u201d and Katy Perry\u2019s \u201cFirework.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Department of Education, or what\u2019s left of it, is represented by a booth manned by two interns sitting behind a sign offering you a chance to win \u201ca copy of the original draft of the Declaration of Independence.\u201d Wow, a copy<\/em>! Maybe this one will say \u201csacred\u201d instead of \u201cself-evident\u201d! The booth also features some handy charts from an organization called the American Journey Experience that explain that it looked at 15,000 political documents from the American founding era, and 34 percent of them cited the Bible! Things at the Department of Education seem like they\u2019re going well.<\/p>\n

The Department of Commerce has a picture of George Washington dressed like Steve Jobs. Why not!<\/p>\n

Read more The Supreme Court Rules That Sports Are Different<\/a><\/p>\n

At 2:41 p.m., Dr. Oz is talking with \u2026 Dean Cain? About Medicare fraud? No time! I can\u2019t risk missing George Washington!<\/p>\n

At 2:45, back on the Legacy Stage, we hear from George Washington! He reads a speech slowly from prepared, printed notes. He also calls John Adams \u201cthe man with the mouth.\u201d (I do not know what this refers to.) Later, while I\u2019m wandering around the fairgrounds, he tells me that a cop informed him that this part of D.C. is a \u201ctop-free\u201d zone and, due to this special zoning situation, it would be fine to sunbathe topless here. \u201cA woman could walk past the White House with nothing on but a thong,\u201d he continues, as I type into my Notes app, nodding intently. Fun fact from General Washington!<\/p>\n

Two hours later, I realize that this was the same impersonator who portrayed Abraham Lincoln at my wedding reception, in 2018! I wrote a toast for Lincoln to deliver in character\u2014there were several jokes about how we were slow to get engaged, like George B. McClellan\u2014and he mingled with guests. We found out only afterward that he kept going up to people and volunteering the information that he thought Lincoln would have kept slavery to preserve the Union, so the surprise intel about the National Mall being a top-free zone was actually only the second-most alarming remark I\u2019ve heard him emit unprompted. He is available for parties and also does Dean Martin, or Dean Martin as<\/em> Abraham Lincoln. (This is one of those paragraphs that really makes you rethink your entire life and all of your choices leading up to this point!)<\/p>\n

It\u2019s 3:45. I am back at the stage where Dr. Oz is holding forth, addressing the crowd with recommendations for healthy snacks. \u201cI never travel without nuts in my pocket,\u201d Dr. Oz is saying. \u201cNuts are baby trees.\u201d<\/p>\n

I start to feel vaguely ill, despite the \u201cnatural energy\u201d in my drink. My editor has asked me to keep her apprised of my heart rate.<\/p>\n

More states! I am going to visit them all, so help me.<\/p>\n

How\u2019s Oklahoma doing? \u201cWe\u2019re OK!\u201d the lady at the booth answers. (But are<\/em> we OK? I am not!)<\/p>\n

Arizona is an immersive experience involving darkness, birdsong, and the scent of pine. Have I passed out? Is this the end? I stagger back out into the sunlight.<\/p>\n

Before I go, I can\u2019t forget to visit the painter Scott LoBaido. \u201cI have flirted eye to eye with Mona Lisa in Paris. I have touched the thick painful brushstrokes of Van Gogh, and I gasped in awe at Michelangelo\u2019s Sistine Chapel, yet still to this day, my favorite work of art is \u2026 The Star Spangled Banner,\u201d reads a quote from Scott LoBaido on the wall. Below that quote, a screen plays a video featuring another quote by Scott LoBaido: \u201cThe greatest work of art in the history of civilization is undoubtedly the Star Spangled Banner.\u201d Tell us how you really feel about the star-spangled banner, Scott LoBaido!<\/p>\n

Then, around the corner, you can watch Scott LoBaido painting\u2014this will knock you over with a feather\u2014the star-spangled banner!<\/p>\n

My last stop of the day is Shredded Cheddar. This turns out to be a band, not a comestible. It is the last listed performer on the Legacy Stage; its cover of \u201cFast Car\u201d strikes a poignant note as I make my way away from the fairgrounds with a wildly beating heart and a budding sunburn. I am relieved not to have taken off my top, despite what George Washington recommended. Happy MAHA Day!<\/p>\n

Read more Photos: Fourth of July Celebrations From Years Past<\/a><\/p>\n<\/section>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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